That's Like, Vocal Masturbation
by jono74656
Summary: 5 times Kurt Hummel's singing voice made someone want to jump him and 1 time someone did. Plot bunny bit my brain people. My first 5 plus 1 fic.


**AN: Okay, this plot bunny hit me out of the blue and I can't seem to write anything else. Hopefully once this is written I'll be able to get something else on paper.**

**Based around my 'appreciation' of Chris Colfer's singing voice (I'm no longer allowed to listen to 4 Minutes in public)**

**I'm not including 'Defying Gravity' cause that performance just doesn't get me hot, nor '4 Minutes' cause I already wrote that fic ;-)**

**Disclaimer: If it were mine Kurt woulda sung Gaga's 'LoveGame' or Glambert's 'For Your Entertainment' by now. Not mine.**

That's Like, Vocal Masturbation (aka 5 times Kurt Hummel's singing voice made someone want to jump him, and the 1 time someone did)

1. Like A Prayer

Jesse St James fought the urge to turn and stare as he heard an angelic voice soaring to the auditorium rafters. He knew this part of the song had been earmarked for New Directions pasty-faced gay kid, and after the cheerleading performance the previous day he'd pegged the kid as just another tenor. But this, a clear perfect soprano filling the vast space, marked him as a truly gifted _counter_tenor, something very few show choirs were lucky enough to have. This bore further investigation, perhaps he should change his target? Rachel's voice was impressive but if he could lure a _countertenor _to Vocal Adrenaline their fourth national championship would be guaranteed beyond a shadow of a doubt.

Contemplating the possibility of just walking over once the number was concluded and laying one on the pale teen, Jesse sleepwalked through the rest of the Madonna number (flawlessly of course, he was Jesse St James) but eventually came to the conclusion that Shelby wouldn't be happy if her big plan to reunite with her long-'lost' daughter was put in jeopardy. Stick to Rachel then.

Shame, the kid had a damn fine ass.

2. A House Is Not A Home

What was it with Finessa? Wasn't it bad enough that Quinn and Rachel had picked the big oaf, but Hummel too? Even the gay kid preferred Hudson to Puck. Couldn't any of them see he was the better option, were they somehow missing his guns?

Still, the song Hummel was singing made it sound like whatever his plan was to catch Hudson's eye, it wasn't working, and as usual Finn was completely oblivious to the effect he was having, the pain he was inflicting.

Huh, for all the angsty teenage feelings in his voice, Hummel could sing. Almost as high as that Dieing Gravy song or whatever him and Berry'd gotten all worked up about, and not a bum note in sight, wasn't that interesting. Still, the voice was good and all, those high notes just making him think about the noises Hummel would make during sex, his orgasm voice would probably shatter glass.

And dammit, Hummel was wearing that Cheerio uniform; that outfit had a palavian effect on him or whatever, just the sight of the red and white McKinley emblem hardening his cock in his pants. And hey, Hummel was kinda girly, those pouty red lips would look awesome wrapped round Puck's dick.

The song ended, and Puck almost got up to grab Hummel and drag him off to a convenient closet somewhere, then he glanced over and caught Quinn's bitch glare, set on high beam, and focused straight at him. Shit, Baby Mama did not look happy, maybe she'd caught him checking out Hummel's ass? Sighing, Puck slouched over to Quinn, taking her home so she and his mom could bitch him out in stereo it was then. Awesome.

Hummel's lips would just have to stay in his spank bank then. Along with his ass, and his arms, and y'know, just Hummel.

3. Pink Houses

Artie couldn't believe his eyes. Kurt was wearing flannel, and loose jeans, and a trucker hat! His skin looked unmoisturised, his hair, where it could be seen under that abominable hat, looked unconditioned, and he was wearing dirty sneakers! Clearly he'd been replaced by pod!Kurt. Shuddering at the sight of his friend so un-Kurt like, Artie closed his eyes in the hope that he could get through this performance easier without his eyes being assaulted.

This was a mistake. With his eyes closed there was nothing to distract from the unexpectedly husky tone of Kurt's voice, sounding like he'd just escaped from a mammoth makeout session, (or, a tiny corner of his mind whispered, like he'd just had a cock fucking his throat). Then Kurt began to sing, his voice a rough growl that sent shivers down Artie's spine and made his cock rise to attention embarrassingly fast.

Artie shivered as Kurt growled his way through a freaking _Mellencamp _song, at one point his voice dropping lower than Artie had thought him capable of, sending a shot off heat through the handicapable gleek and making him drop his hand to surreptitiously palm his cock through his slacks. His mind raced with images of Kurt sat on his lap as he wheeled them both into the large disabled bathroom stall with the good lock on the door and ravaging his friend.

Then he caught sight of Tina, having a desperate silent conversation with Mercedes as both gestured frantically at Kurt, and was suddenly reminded that he'd only just made back up with his girl; and dumping her to ravage their gay friend was tacky, and would lead to another encounter with the 'righteous blade of equality'.

He sighed, Tina was bound to dump him eventually, maybe he'd make a move on Kurt then. Until then, he had the recording of this performance he was covertly making with his phone. Score.

4. Bad Romance

Mike didn't have a problem with Gaga, the choreography in her videos was complex and interesting, and she had no issues with trying new choreo where other acts would play it safe. The rest of the guys could gripe all they wanted, but he'd been very excited to see what the girls and Kurt came up with for their theatricality assignment. With the exception of Rachel they hadn't disappointed with the costumes, and then they'd moved to the auditorium to perform.

Mike's mind had been blown the moment Kurt had opened his mouth to start the song. He'd heard Kurt many times, but nothing like this, feral and fierce, clearly enjoying every second of the performance. His voice the perfect counterpoint to the sea of oestrogen currently swamping the stage.

As if _that _voice weren't enough though, there was the choreography to consider. As the song progessed everyone except Santana sank down the floor on the stage, and then _it _happened. It, being Kurt raising his leg high in the air as he reclined on his side; leg at full extension, ankle rotating beautifully, The pose displayed his crotch for long seconds, and Mike could see a bulge that indicated Kurt was rock hard, probably turned on by the sheer euphoria of performance. Still, coupled with the posture and the _voice_ it was enough to make Mike wanna climb up on stage and do unspeakable things to the gleek.

Mike was aware he should probably be freaked out by this, cause, y'know... Gay, but whatever, Kurt was hot.

Still, if he just climbed up on stage and went for it he'd wreck Kurt's Gaga outfit, which would not be good, and he wasn't so much of an exhibitionist as to want to do it in front of the rest of the club. Maybe if he caught up with Kurt later?

(alas, Matt would drag Mike away for video games before Mike could approach Kurt, and would then surprise Mike with sex, so y'know, whatever.)

5. Give Up The Funk

The whole club had had a quiet snigger when Kurt had claimed the intro to their funk number for himself, sure the countertenor couldn't manage the deep notes; they'd been wrong. The almost basso voice that erupted forth when Kurt stepped out on the stage made their collective jaw drop, and they'd had to quickly paste on their game face before joining him out front to taunt Vocal Adrenaline.

For Matt, though, it was something else. That voice was resonating through him, his bones aching in sympathy with his hard cock. Kurt's confident expression, his free dancing, those pants, that _hat_, all combined to make Matt wish he was more open about his bisexuality so he could just ask Kurt out already. Or plant one on him, whatever.

But they'd never had a real conversation, and Matt had been one of the bullies before he'd come to terms with himself, like the rest of them he'd never apologised for the crap he'd pulled on Kurt. Plus Kurt was out and proud, and he wasn't ready to be out in Lima yet, he couldn't ask Kurt to hide a relationship like that, it wouldn't be fair.

He resigned himself to admiring Kurt from afar until he could get up the balls to come out and ask him for a date. In the meantime he could keep fooling around with Mike, his bro didn't expect anything except orgasms, which was kinda awesome.

Now if only Kurt would stop with _that _voice.

+1. Le Jazz Hot

Sam was kinda confused about _everything _at McKinley right now. Glee club was unpopular, but there were popular Cheerios on stage right now helping Kurt with his number. Kurt performing with another dude was **bad**, but Mike from Glee and a couple other dudes had their hands all over him as they performed, and this was okay. It was kinda weird.

Still, Kurt was killing this number, and it was enough to make him wonder what their duet woulda sounded like if they'd gotten the chance to sing together. Stupid Hudson, first he takes the QB position away from Sam after his shoulder was dislocated, then he's cockblocking him from that fine ass. And damn but that outfit is sexy as hell. And the makeup, and the hair, and basically just all the Kurt on that stage is dangerously sexy.

Then Kurt hit the final note, voice rising through several octaves in a single breath, held beyond what Sam woulda thought possible, supported in the air with his crotch thrust forward, highlighting his major performance boner. And as that beautiful voice hit a high note he didn't think most girls could manage, Sam was done. Fuck Finn and his issues, fuck the douchebag puckheads and their slushies, fuck this whole fucked up town.

As the club burst into applause, Sam noticed that in marked contrast to the heated eye contact during the performance, Kurt was now avoiding his eyes, and he deduced the boy was embarrassed or afraid. That wouldn't do. As they disbanded, Sam avoided Finn's attempts to talk to him, no doubt trying to push him at Quinn again, and headed in the direction of the guys locker room, he doubted Kurt was gonna walk around school in that outfit after all.

As he approached the locker room, the sound of rustling noises told him he'd been right, and he burst through the door, catching Kurt just as he started trying to remove the outfit, striding across the room and cradling the pale boy's face in his hands, trying to communicate everything he wanted with his eyes, sure that if he tried to speak he'd just screw it up. Kurt looked scared, then confused, but then gradual understanding dawned, and the countertenor rose up on his tiptoes to gingerly press his soft lips to Sam's own.

Sam moaned with approval at the kiss, slowly deepening the embrace til Kurt's lips parted and he could slip the gorgeous, sexy, perfect boy some tongue. Hands drifting down to squeeze that delicious ass through the tux/dress number, he thought to himself that he coulda been doing this for days if he'd just followed his instincts and just pulled Kurt into the shower with him when the gleek had tracked him down in the locker room.

Determined to remedy this, Sam began to tug at Kurt's outfit. He was gonna get this boy naked in a shower stall if it was the last thing he did. Judging by Kurt's greedy moans as he plundered Sam's mouth, the other boy was totally on board with this plan. Awesome.

Maybe being at McKinley had it's upsides after all.

**AN: Okay, this one bit my brain and was written in one marathon session.**

**Enjoy!**


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